Communication in Swinger Relationships

I am not an expert. These are simply personal reflections based upon my, and my wife’s, own thoughts and experiences over the years we have been doing this. Nothing else. This it not the something that you should take as the ”truth” and you might have very different views on it all. So, that is it. We don’t really know a lot about what we are writing, but at least we know that! Or as Socrates would have said:
“The ancient Oracle said that I was the wisest of all the Greeks. It is because I alone, of all the Greeks, know that I know nothing.”

Also, our experiences mainly revolve around couples, making amateur porn and clubs.

So, that out of the way. Why are we writing this. Well, “C”, the pleasant person behind this site asked me if I would like to share some of my experiences here. After all, we have been doing this for longer than most other couples here, so why not?

So, swinging. You are interested in having sex with, or around, others. Nice. But why? Why are you really interested in this? And it might sound like a strange question. Who wouldn’t be, right? But it turns out that the reasons might be a lot more diversified than what is apparent. And before you even bring it up to your significant other, you really should have a long and honest conversation with yourself about it. Is it about having sex with other people? Is it about having sex with more people? Is it about having a special kind of sex that is not available to you in your current situation or is it about “spicing things up” in general? In some cases, swinging can even be a sort of a last, desperate attempt to salvage a relationship that is falling apart, a sexy “Hail Mary” so to speak. But this lifestyle is not something that saves relationships, rather the opposite I am afraid. And therefore, before doing anything. Have a long think about where the underlying reasons from this interest are emerging. And in the words of Polonius in Hamlet: “To thine own self be true”. If you aren’t true to yourself, and in a later stage, being truthful to your partner, things can go wrong. We have witnessed and experienced that ourselves, not so much within our own relationship but rather through the lens of others. Others that no longer are in those relationships, because they hadn’t been truthful, and they hadn’t communicated well enough.

First of all. Swinging is not like porn. In good ways and in bad ways. But many, mostly men, who take an interest in the lifestyle seem to think so. If you assume that there will be non-stop gang bangs with hot chicks… well… you might be disappointed. Don’t get me wrong. There are those rare nights when they appear. But they are not common. So again, ask yourself: What am I interested in? And remember that answer, because the answer you will get from your partner might not be the same, and they might not match. Why I bring up porn is also the fact that, what historically began as sexual adventures between US Air Force Pilots and their wives in the 1950s, and therefore a shared experience between people who knew each other and where sexual actions had social reactions, has today turned into something that looks more like the love child of Tinder and Pornhub. But again, swinging is not so much like porn as it is like dancing. You might lead, and the others might follow, but if you don’t make an effort to make sure that the others aren’t having a good time, they will not ask you to dance again. So if your answer to that first question is simply to fuck as much as possible, then perhaps going to clubs and events (where you won’t have to commit any personal time or social effort) might be better for you, and your partner, but not couple on couple swinging. If your answer is to set out on a journey, an adventure, and hopefully one where you and your partner can form the core of a party, then perhaps swinging is better for you.

Which leads us onto second part of the first chapter. Have you talked to your spouse about it before? Because before you do that, in case you haven’t, be prepared that the response might be negative from the outset. Now, since you are already reading this on a site for swingers, I assume that you aren’t the morally conservative prude who wouldn’t be up for group sex in the first place, and therefore I also assume that your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife isn’t either (although we have bumped into those as well). But still, bringing up the fact that you want to bring one, or more, people into your love life can be surprising, chocking and even damaging. Some people will be fine with it from the get-go, some will have to think about it, and some will be actually hurt! Those who will be hurt will ask themselves why you would want to include others if there wasn’t something wrong in the relationship, something wrong in the bedroom, something wrong with them! So tread carefully. If you are watching porn together, perhaps show a clip where multiple people are going at it together and ask if they find the though of that arousing? If you are having a conversation about sexual fantasises, mention that you find including others hot. Do not just swing-bomb your significant other and say. “Hey, I made an account for this site and next Saturday we are having two   strangers over for dinner and anal”. And you might read this and think that what I am writing is the work of Marvels least popular superhero;  “Captain Obvious”, but we have had contact with couples  that turned out to be only the guy (there will be a specific topic about this issue alone later on), and while we thought that our date was set and booked, it turned out that he had kept everything secret from his girlfriend, and just info-bombed her a day in advance that they were meeting us. Short story, the date was cancelled and the account deleted. We have even met a couple who told us a story, where they in turn went out for a date with another couple, only to slowly begin to understand that the girl on the other side of table had no idea of what kind of setting she had gotten herself into. And when she did, there was a fight between her and her soon to be ex-boyfriend and they left. So, yes communication!

This extends, of course, over to communication with the other couple as well, but we will get to that later on. Next chapter will be about expectations and boundaries. So until then, be careful, stay safe, use condoms!

“M”