I talked about communications in my first blog post, and one of the things that is most important to talk about are what you are expecting and where to draw the lines. And this is something that needs to be done in three stages.
A, from the perspective of yourself.
B, from the perspective of your spouse/relationship.
C, from the perspective of the whole situation including the other couple. And this is tricky. A lot trickier than one would think.
Because the expectations might not only differ from those planned, we can almost guarantee that they will change! “No plans survive the first contact with the enemy” and such. But we strongly, strongly recommend that you have made those plans anyway. They will be of great help in the long run. Regretting your decisions after leaving a gelateria is one thing, regretting what you did after group sex is something else entirely. First of all, we have to say that you should really lower your expectations straight away. And this is in regards to all aspects of swinging, from chatting to others, to meeting them for a glass of wine, to the actual sexual interaction itself. Again, it is not like porn. Heck, porn is not like porn. Porn is a fantasy, a fantasy that creates an illusion where nothing ever goes wrong and everybody comes together in the literal sense of the word. Porn can be good, but porn is also a lie. The same kind of lie that is told through Instagram and other social media. It is smoke and mirrors, that is all. Smoke, mirrors and body fluids. But we humans seems to need these illusions. Why else do we write plays and books and movie scripts? But back to swinging. Meeting others is more complicated, because the other couple are like you. They are real people with their own dreams and wishes, they have their flaws and their baggage and given the fact that you don’t know everything about yourself, believe me, swinging will make you learn new stuff about yourself. You sure as hell don’t know everything about your partner either (again, we will give you examples), so how can you know how others will act and react? Especially if they are new to the scene, as you might be. So talk about your expectations, and what will be OK and what will not. To be honest, it is not a bad idea to write them down so that both of you can agree that: “This is the way”.
One of the things that will become apparent is that finding other interesting couples will not be as easy as you thought. There is a saying that “90% of all science-fiction is crap, but then again, 90% of everything is crap” and that also applies to swinging sites. Not only will you have to find a couple that is interesting, they must also be attractive and it is also beneficial if you share the same values and world views. Yes, you can fuck someone you totally disagree with about everything, but it is unlikely it will lead to a longer relationship with them. And if you have managed to find someone who ticks all the boxes, you now have to pray that they find you interesting and attractive. And then we haven’t even gone into the area of what kind of sex you like. So regarding expectations, you are quite likely going to have to put in a lot more effort than you thought, you will have to write to more couples than you imagined and most of them won’t write back, or, going back to my previous comparison to Tinder and Porn, simply reply “Fuck?” and that is that. Now, if you are fine with hooking up with someone you don’t know anything about, then go for it. It is not how we play, but we aren’t going to tell you how to have sex. Likewise, if you, contrary to what I wrote, find it easy to get in touch with other couples, then congratulations! You are better than us.
But seriously, you have to be prepared that you will not connect with most couples you meet. We have been doing stuff online and with others for almost 20 years, and to be honest we have only really, really found a connection with two other couples! And both of them are no longer couples, because again, swinging can hurt relationships.
The last thing about expectations is about the sex itself. Again, porn has given (mostly men) the idea that sex is always good and everyone is good at sex. Yeah… Sex with other people, especially good sex with other people, will take time. Regard it as learning to play a new instrument. You will learn that the special thing you do when you give your husband a blowjob just does nothing to the other guy. And the way you can get your wife wet by pinching her nipples, now the other girl is asking you if you want to have your fingers broken? If you walk away from a first evening of sex and it was decent, consider that a win. It will get better from there on.
The second part of this is about setting boundaries. Call them rules if you like, or perhaps they are more like guidelines. But to just go ahead without any restrictions is asking for trouble. Remember, you have to take three other people into consideration now. What these boundaries are, well, that will be up to you of course. We are not you, so we don’t know. But we can give you some examples about our boundaries. We have some rather easy rules that we try to follow: We will not send nudes at all (This will be a topic of its own later on). The first date will be in a public space, like a bar. We will not have sex on the first date. If either of us wants to abort or go home, we both go home.
Then there is the golden rule of swinging, and this applies to dates, sharing personal stuff or the sex itself: “It is ALWAYS the one that wants the least that sets the rules”. This was told to us by the first couple we met, and we say this to all the couples we meet since. If you want to develop a healthy and long term relationship with others, make sure that the person that feels the least comfortable holds the beat stick.
So to conclude, this is really an extension to the previous text regarding communication. The more you talk things through, the better are your odds of finding something positive to build on.
Next chapter will be about online profile creation. So until then, be careful, stay safe, use condoms!
“M”